I’ll get straight to it. So, turns out… I have ADHD.
I was not a hyperactive kid, so this came as a bit of a surprise. That says more about my misconceptions around ADHD than anything else.
At least, I wasn’t an externally hyperactive kid. And there’s a pretty good reason for that of course; I could barely walk, FFS. You weren’t likely to be running around and climbing trees, Halpin. Inside though, man; I was absolutely FIZZING.
And of course, ADHD isn’t exclusively about hyperactivity. Ah, the rabbit holes of miseducation and internalised ableism. For kids in the 90s, ADHD was presented as “that thing naughty boys have” – a grotesque ableist simplification. A gender politics dumpster fire too; girls wouldn’t even be recognised as being able to have ADHD until the Early Noughties.
They ask you to think back to school a lot in an ADHD assessment. I’ve slowly unravelled a sort of parallel universe childhood; one that includes an answer as to why I hated school, even though I tried to people-please the shit out of it. I was just so f’cking overwhelmed. And bored. Ugh. It felt like prison at the time. At least I can understand why it was so unbearably difficult.
The hardest part to process is having a why for how chaotic my work is. That why quickly gives way to a what if. What if I’d known this years ago? I have so much unfinished music. So many half explored rabbit holes. I start projects, I abandon them when the initial excitement wears off. It’s really horrible, and I’ve lived with low-key self-loathing and regret for most of my adult life.
Why can’t I just get stuff done?
Well, at least there’s an answer now. It’s a clear answer. It’s a provable, measurable thing.
I was diagnosed with “severe” combined ADHD. Combined ADHD balances on a scale between Hyperactive and Inattentive ADHD types; unsurprisingly, my diagnosis is weighted towards the Inattentive end of the scale.
I’m still processing how this raises as many questions as it answers, but it’s a very good thing; of course it is. A context from which to be more compassionate to myself hopefully.
One More Thing.
I live in Warwickshire. Here, the pathways for ND diagnosis were closed to all adults a couple of years ago. So, yes; I went private. Yep, it’s expensive. £750 for the curious. We also can’t access what’s called Shared Care here, so if I were to access medication, that’s also a private healthcare cost. Can’t really think about that right now; having Cerebral Palsy is expensive enough.
But, yes; for the avoidance of doubt – this is still a win. It’s late in the day, but better late than never. It’s a lot of feelings, but I trust my processes; I’ll be better off for knowing than not knowing. of course’m ready to do the work, figure this thing out. I hope my best work is still ahead of me.
Shoutout to my fellow Late Diagnosis crew; there’s a fair few of us about now… more on that next time x
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